The Problem with Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a characteristic of striving for flawlessness and perfection. Perfectionism is typically accompanied by critical self-evaluations and constant concern about the evaluations of others. Many perfectionists have an awareness that they are perfectionists and will readily admit that they spend a great deal of time and energy trying to do things perfectly and trying to present themselves in exactly the right way. The cost of this is often high. Perfectionists typically pay a price of high anxiety and a lack of enjoyment in the thing they are trying to perfect. Instead of being attracted by their goals, they are pushed by their fear of being inadequate. Many perfectionists are also procrastinators and this combination of traits actually leads to lower achievement. The stress caused by perfectionism and high anxiety that goes with it is linked to low self-esteem, eating disorders, and psychological distress. It can prevent a person from taking on challenges, cause rigid all-or-nothing thinking, toxic comparisons, and inhibit creativity. It can also lead to physical symptoms like high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease.
There is a difference between how high achievers and perfectionists operate. High achievers see a goal and go after it. They are engaged in the doing of the thing and enjoy challenges and the process of increasing their abilities. Perfectionists see the goal and they need it. They need everything about it to be correct and stress is present through the process. Unmet goals lead to self-recrimination and anxiety. The fear of failure is a constant in their lives. Conversely, high achievers are less afraid to fail and often learn from attempts that do not work out. This leaves them better able to succeed at similar tasks in the future.
Fear of failure can be paralyzing for the perfectionist. The threshold for what perfectionists consider to be a failure is often unrealistic. There tends to be a black or white mindset- one succeeds or one fails. There is no middle ground. For some perfectionists in a school setting, they may consider anything less than a high “A” to be a failure because they did not accomplish what they set out to accomplish. They are so focused on avoiding failure that they carry a negative orientation to everything. This stress can affect their ability to perform and it becomes a spiral of anxiety and fear of failure.
Their perception of failure can be so upsetting that perfectionists are unable to take criticism and often become defensive. They tend not to see feedback as useful information, they see it as just another negative evaluation. High achievers who are not perfectionists are better able to hear feedback and utilize it to enhance performance and increase competence.
Perfectionists do not feel worthy of unconditional love. They assume that approval is dependent on a perfect performance. They shrug off compliments and may not be able to enjoy their success because they only narrowly avoid failure. Their self-worth is tied to their ability to succeed. They may also be critical of the performance of others which sets them up for less supportive relationships with peers. They are quick to find fault and overcritical of mistakes. Perfectionists are often critical and unrealistic expectations of others results in disappointment and dissatisfaction. They tend to shrug off compliments and do not celebrate their successes. They tend to look to specific people in their lives to provide validation.
The roots of perfectionism are often rooted in adverse childhood experiences and driven by fear of failure, unworthiness, and low self-esteem. Becoming less perfectionistic usually involves developing positive self-talk and avoiding comparisons with others. Challenging negative thoughts and utilizing mindfulness techniques can keep the focus on the present rather than overthinking what is past or in the future. Perfectionism responds well to cognitive-behavioral therapies and strategies to reduce anxiety. Being perfect is not possible. When taken too far it leads to negative outcomes that the person very much wants to avoid. Setting realistic goals and letting go of unrealistic expectations in oneself and others can lead to a more easy-going life with less anxiety and interpersonal stress.